The traditional legal approach to relationship breakdown is only half the story. When children are involved the law says their needs should be considered first, and their welfare should be 'paramount'. It also says that it is usually in a child's best interests to maintain a good, continuing relationship with both parents. What the law doesn't say is how to achieve this.

The law does not help parents with the emotional issues involved in divorce and separation. This can lead to bitter court disputes in which the children may be seen as pawns.  For this reason a growing number of family law specialists and relationship counsellors, including family mediator and collaborative lawyer Jo O'Sullivan and  Family  relationship practitioner Penny Coombes of IRIS Brighton, have opted for an alternative approach; one that helps parents to put aside their differences and do what is best for their children, during and after divorce. This approach helps avoid court disputes and leads to happier, healthier children and better long-term family relationships. It is an approach that is successful and worthwhile, but it's not always easy.

Children do not understand divorce or separation in a grown-up way but they do feel the pain and the confusion. Often children feel guilty or responsible for the breakup. They need both parents to explain things gently and clearly, and to reassure them that it's not their fault. They also need to know that it's still OK to love both parents.

Parents have to be able to cope with their children's reactions and to respond to their children's questions in age-appropriate ways. Maintaining a calm, united front for the benefit of the children is hard when parents themselves are struggling with understandable feelings of grief and uncertainty, and an urge to criticise and blame. Penny's 'parenting after parting' courses and practical support can be invaluable in helping parents meet their responsibilities together and deal with such difficult issues as:

·        what values matter to you as parents?

·        how and when to tell the children you are separating?

·        what changes do you have to make?

·        what are the financial implications for everyone?

IRIS Brighton are also able to assist with thinking about contact issues following separation, and offer a range of  contact services.

As Jo O'Sullivan notes, 'parents who can work together on these issues are often those who will benefit most from a non-confrontational approach to the legal aspects of divorce and separation'. This is why Jo and Penny often work together closely to help parents settle their differences out of court and achieve the good divorce or separation.

Contact Jo O'Sullivan on at jo@osullivanfamilylaw.co.uk   01273 459 047 www.osullivanfamilylaw.co.uk

Iris Brighton, family and relationship practitioners.

Contact Penny Coombes 01273 315 430 www.irisbrighton.co.uk

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